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Archive for September, 2005

so what am i doin here at 4am on a thurs morning when i’m supposed to be at NLB in the morning!?!?!?! arghh..

ok, this aint exactly a 100% sober post. for one, my tooth’s hurting like mad.. i drank.. despite my “goal” of not drinking at all!!!… morover, i’m typing without my specs, a bad headache, and some alcohol in my blood..

Messy messy post. raHh..

So many things on my mind. so many things that i cant say! its still the same trust issue. There are so many people around you in life sometimes. who are the trustworthy ones and who arent!? i thought i’ve learnt this lesson a lonnnnnggggg looonnnngggg time back.. when unpleasent stuff happened to me back then. I thought i’ve learnt my lesson. unfortunately it only happened to me time and again time and again time and again. So why in the world do i still continue trusting people!?

the only person i can trust in this whole fuckin world is myself. and nw im having doubts in the judgement i make and the path i take. Fugg it… i so freggin wish that life wld simpler, easier, etc. UNFORTUNATELY, its impossible. Someone once said. we’re social beings. we co-exist. Why the hell do i care!? self defence mechanism perhaps… but it’s in my personality and blood, where i want to truly believe that every single person in this world is good by nature… i’m a theory X person. not a theory Y. those who study biz, mc gregor’s theory x and y!?!? geddit? ok.. but have i gotten it wrong!? duHh

ANY O How!!! i feel seriously fugged up. i feel like speaking to someone. but there’s no one. dont bloody say you’d be there for me. sorry, i dont feel comfortable telling u those stuff. dont say u feel for me, u arent me, u dont know what i’m goin through. dont say you’re willng to understand or things like tha. i dont trust u. i dont need your listening ear if that’s what u want to “provide” … those words u hear will only lead to malicious lies, tall tales, etc.. anything that is used against me! thank you, but no thank you. U bloody mutha fuckas!!! take your lie and deciet and juz go deep down under…

I dont do such things to you. why must u do this to me!? is it my flawed personality. is it the way i portray myself!? my out look? dressing!? figure of speech!? then what!? what’s ur problem u hypocritical son of a bitch(s)… be it intentional or UN-intentional. i so freggin swear.. you’d regret it. i’ve long given up the idea of me exerting revenge or something of the sort.. i’m unable to exact revenge on all you ass holes. but u noe wat.. ONE DAY…. revenge will be exerted not by me.. but by everyone else around you.

i truly cared…. i just wanted to be….. to be there!!..
i wanted to be a friend…. i reali want to change and be a good friend for once. like truly care for people genuinely and is this what i get?! juz fug off.. frm now on, i’d juz care bout me and myself… i use tO be able to care for someone else… but now.. i’m sorry. Its juz gona be me…

and the sad fact!? no one cares for me either…. the same ol thing… feel alone again. this time…. maybe it’s BY CHOICE! dont think i’d want all the fake concerns. the stupid remarks made infront of me/behind me. attitude given by fucked up people. seriously. just take a mirror sometimes. before you comment, just LOOK in the mirror. Do you have what it takes to comment on ME!? who the FUCK are u!!!! are u even comparable to me!? if u think u’re so damn fuckin good. then challenge me. OPENLY. anytime. i’m really game for it.

Vengence. Sweet. Too bad it aint gona be mine…. Retribution on the other hand.. would be YOURS… every single one of u…. shitheads..

maybe im paying fo my Mis deeds!? uh-uh.. dont think so… god’s fair.. really fair… This trauma you’ve caused…. people a Looonnnggg time back, people in the past, people in the present people in the future. I hate you for causeing it…. Always i’d say i’d learn my lesson. tiem again.. i havent. I cant…. i still believe that there’s some good… good in this world.. where people are philantrophic. and do not want any gain frm others. while i’m trying my best to be THAT sort of ppl.. i feel sucked dry… argh. fuG it.

Like i mentioned earlier, this is a non-sober post. and i’m juz blogging and blogging n typing whatever shit comes into my head. havent even read what ever i’ve typed. dont intend to do so. maybe i’d delete the post tmr!? maybe maybe.. :S:S

good nite son of a bitches!!!! may the bed bugs crawl into your asses n chew up urbrains. after that, crawl through your eyes and make sure ur blood comes gushing out! argh!! fug…. nvm.. i’d juz wish that all of u wld get tons of wisdom tooth!
everysingle one!!! 1 extraction a week! that’d b good!

damn it….. i’m high on scolding. one last thing..

when life’s out of ctrl… Fug it..

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UN-stiching day

What a monday.. Slept only at 5.30am, and was supposed to wake prisc at 7.30, unfortunately the nxt time I was aware of my surroundings, it was already 12pm when OM waked me up. Being the procrastinator I am, I psyhed myself into believing that the dentist would be opened till evening, so a few more hours of sleep wouldn’t harm, would it?

Called the clinic at 3.30pm, only to realize that my (FEMALE) dentist is off for the day,and the only available dentist would be a male dentist! better than nothing right? I’ve definitely gotta rid of those stitches by today. Those nylon were tickling the shits out of me. So, No appointment needed, just walk-in, since appointments are full already..

Hence I happily met up with christina for tea at raffles city. Its been some time since we’ve last seen each other. Her tummy’s bigger by the month (for sure), and i’m so glad it’s a GIRL!! Guessed that it’ll be a girl long ago.. So glad.. Just hope she’d be fatter than her mum, and more girlie! =) her mum’s STICK thin, and not exactly feminine. Then again, girls these days.. arent exactly conventional “girls” are they. Sigh. Look at me, i look perfectly girlie on the outside, but.. not what u call a Girlish-girl on the inside. bahh..

Busted $75 at mango, (almost made it $175). Glad i threw the skirt back to where it came from. Went back to the clinic, and the recept told me i’d have to wait 2.5 hours! WHAT!?!?! *COLD SWEAT* 2.5 hours in boring JURONG OLD TOWN!? sigh.. so here’s what i did.. since the next block’s my Old hse, i decided to Explore the place for abit. It’s been 6 years since i’ve been there. what can i say!? things sure has changed quite abit..

Blame it on the lack of flash, and that it’s onli a camera on a PDA, but the pix turned out relatively creepy..

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The lift lobby. It didnt look like that before. Definately went through lots a couple of upgrades.

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It’s the kind of old housing with lifts serving onli level 1, 6 and 11. I stayed on the 12th floor, and had to walk pass this long stretch of coridor before reaching a flight of stairs.

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That’s my house! or shouldi say WaS my house. It like a sanctuary where my bro and i spent our childhood. now, it just looks like some run down creepy place.

compare these 2 pix.. The 2 doors are facing each other. The left’s my (use to be) neighbour’s place, and right’s my ex house.

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Realize anything ironic bout the 2 households!? Comeon.. look harder!!..

Well, The house on the right, has got a “FU” above the door.. implying that it’s prolly bhuddist. and the house on the left Has got a banner with islaming inscribings on it. Alright, i know it’s prolly the lousy reso, thats why it cant be identified at ease. I recall the days where my neighbour were christians, and so were my mum… we lived in perfect harmony, with the 4 kids running to and fro, as if both houses were ours!

AGING NEIGHBOURHOOD

Is there such a thing!? I made it up!. =) but guess there really IS such a situation happening in singapore. i aint refering 20% of rich fugs who stay in landed property/condo and constantly switching residence. I’m refering to the other 80%. Those who work for their $, Investing the $$ in something which has already reached saturation point and would only decline further to reach rock bottom. PROPERTY!!! *pardon me if my analogy’s wrong*

Young couples (back then was my parents) shift in to new estates/neighbourhoods, raising their kids, sending them to kindergarden/pri school.. and along with them, are other young couples. So everyday, the school bus would *HORN* that dredful sounding *PEHhhhhHhhHHhhh* and all of us would happily hop on the bus. During children’s day national day, whatever day where kids have sweets, they’d trade em, share em, Steal/fight for them.

Some families shift out once their kids get older. To a bigger, maybe seemingly better house. Those who dont, continue staying there, young couples growing old, kids maturing.. other couples shift in, occupying the empty houses.. A norm, aint it? Now HOW MANY people actually shift out these days? and those who shift in, they wont want a place which has been existing for 20 years, since property prices are so low, might as well get a NEW place, in a NEW estate!? The new occupants are prolly people who’ve got relatives staying near by or something of the sort.

As i was saying, kids grow up, (i dont play in a play ground animore!)… And the old ppl stay there, growing older.. So tell me, aint that the “aging neighbourhood” syndrom!?!? Just take a look at toapayoh. Maybe even parts of jurong?… Hmmm..

oh… got a couple more jabs while removing the stiches….. too pain…. realy really painful.. 😦

Phew. what a longgg post. gona search for food.. i’m hungry..

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Reaching out..

Its true how people around me feel my depression, and my sadness. The aura of sadness is felt through my blog, my conversations, even my facial expressions when i aint putting on a front. I thought i wont cry tonight. Im wrong. Still wrong. Thought i’d be kept busy with the ppt, thought there was no need for tears this time round since we’re in contact already.

WRONG val.. so wrong.

Last night, i relived some happy memories. Chattering away in bed with someone i hold so close to my heart. Thats how things were before. We talked of nonsensical nothings, never getting bored of each other’s antics. For a tiny moment, i felt as tho nothing changed. It felt like when we were together, those nights where i simply had to spent some time talking to u before we head to bed. I came crashing down, only when we were about to hang up. It usually ended with a good night kiss. No goodnight kiss this time for sure.. It was then, that i realize, things still arent the same as before. *duh. How can it be!?

Now everyone’s telling me it’s a good step, and that at least we’re friends, still have chance blah blah blah.. I dont think so. He’s changed. I dont wana be the one trying so hard to get him back, and being the one suffering in the relationship.

Truth hurts val. Eric doesnt want u no more…
You’re still freggin alone.
Go ahead, cry your hearts out,
cuz there’s no one to hear your cries in the middle of the nite,
there’s no one there to hug you as u wallow away in self pity,
Other’s have moved on, getting attached, having new perspectives in life,
having other guys to keep them company.
What have you got.
Nothing.
Tears and yourself.
TEARS and ONLY yourself.
And yet you cry the tears away.
Go to bed, u bloody loser.
Shoot yourself if u must, no one gives a damn.

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” a snapshot from my heart..”

I’m reaching… and reaching… sorry, somethings are just beyond reach.
Leave it to fate you say!? Sure thing..
Or do u mean “Give up! It’s OVER. u GEDDIT!? “
bahh.. i’m a nutcase.

damn it. argh fug. it’s time for bed.

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Been a happily sad, sadly happy weekend.
Firstly, eric booked out. Not that we actually met up or anything of the sort. But glad to know that we’re still friends. We’ve always been. Just.. now we’re in better contact!? Yes. He’s crazy and i’m nuts. Let’s just leave things to fate. Shallnt’ we? That’s life. aint it!?

My BAH BAO face have became a Siew Mai. Still hurts nevertheless. Cant speak with ease, cant eat in pleasure. YET, i’ve not lost any weight. made up for all the food with endless soup, soft food, etc. Sigh. Now who says Wisdom Tooth = losing weight!? not for me at least.

havent been to work for close to a week. Last time i worked was a on tuesday. Wonder if i’d be able to get back to work on tuesday. Work… Hmm.. Will i even remember the proper procedures and all!?!? Would have a hell lot of catching up to do. Hope i wont get any complain emails etc.

Removing my stiches on monday. *wince* Just hope i’d b lookin alright by wed. Goin for QUIDAM!!! on that day. Been drifting in and out of a bad headache, Fever, numbness, pain.. sigh. Definately a torturous 5 days. No way am i gonna Remove the next tooth. Thinking of the $$$ i’ve lost sigh. Close to $250 over these few days? Not worth it AT ALL. man..

For those who dont already know, i do LOVE reading, and YES i DO READ. Infact, i read a bookS more than once. These few days at home, i’ve been reading a book by Jude Deveraux. “Legend”. Ladies, DO NOT MISS IT!! I shall not give a bad summary of the book, but i can assure u that it’ll be a great read!. Unfortunately for the dickspecies. it is a romantic novel. (or better known as TRASHY novel.) 404 pages of trash!? that’s quite abit. I teared even tho its the 2nd time reading the book. As usual, i felt like i’ve left my own world of fantasy, and i’m back into this horrible world of horrible people, projects, and exams.

With regards to horrible people, i shall leave it for other times. Not now. Feeling angelic and in a cheerful mood, so all cuss words, and fuggly things cant come out =)

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Had my Wisdom tooth extracted. Was an interesting process. Went for a check afew weeks back, nevertheless had to RE CONFIRM the price. What if she charged $500++ tis time!? heh. So it was settled at $200+. Made it clear that i only have $250 at hand, lest she charged extorbitant rates.

Next she poked and fiddled with my tooth (damn i hate it), gave me painkillers, anti biotics, and anti-swell tabs even before the process started. Next, she took out a LONGGGG injector and Jabbed me with it. 4 Pokes in total. Was never terrified of jabs, but it seems like penetration of needle was incredibly deep. Next came Xray, with the doc putting a reflector(is that what u call it) in my mouth. Not too bad, im starting to slur and not feel a thing on my right..

“OH! your root is curved!”… uh-oh. bad news. does it mean it’s gona be painful!? She isnt gona increase the price.. is she!?

“Do u feel anything!?” she probed as she poked all she wanted. “er… abit!?” that earned me 3 more jabs! well, better the jab than feeling someone cut the insides of u up. right!?

And so it started. Helpless val at the mercy of the doc and her nurse. Nurse holding on to a suction tube to suck out whatever blood that may overflow. Doc holding on to he scapel and drill. (ok, i know the tool names i’ve given are really superficial, no idea what it REALLY is called, the function’s there anyway.. :S)..

Doc wore a mask, something like… people wear when they’re doin welding?? i Stared hard, and realized.. HolY shiT!!! i can see the reflection!!!!! i juz needed to stare straight ahead, and i’d be able to see the insides of my mouth, and what she’s doing to it. I had the option to close my eyes. But the nurse was goin “relax.. relax”… i aint gona squeeze my eyes shut and let her know i’m afraid tho i dont feel anything. The only time squeeze my eyes shut with tears in em, is when i’m havin a facial cuz it hurts like hell! hah..

So she Cut my gums, Drilled god knows what (prolly my bone), and cut some more. Next she pulled. Couldnt feel a thing the whole time but the process of witnessing it all was petrifying. When the tooth couldnt come out, the nurse held on to my jaw, and she PULLED somemore!. tough tooth of mine. some curvey roots, so it got me more sliced up furthur. ALAS!!! it came out! it was a whole tooth!!!

By then, i was already tasting blood. no. was gagging blood, the sucker *i mean suction* didnt quite help tis time. She sewed me up. amazing. Always thought they used needles?? heh. was somewhat like a fishing hook, Workmanship’s not too bad i hope!?!? baHh.. no one can see them aniway.. She took quite sometime stitching me up, and i was really tired after that. the anxiety and all..

Chewed on gauze, Paid up, Got 5 Days of MC, grabbed my med, and drove home. Changed gauze frequently cuz its filled with saliva and blood. The blood sorta thinned after 4 hours, but there was still bleeding even after 16 hours!!! As of now, it’s 36 hours after my extraction, and any sudden movement, or food that gets there would induce another bleeding session. SigHh.. Someone asked, ‘are u feeling faint because of the lack of blood’??? “NaHh.. unlikely, i swallow them anyway” duhhhh.. hahahaha..

Developed a fever, bad headache and sorethroat shortly after. Well, Now the fever’s on and off, headache persists and sorethroat is soothed by H20. 18 hours after the extraction, my face swelled to an all time high!!!… WHY!!!?!?!?!?!?! no way am i leaving my house this time..

Some pix at the bottom. For the weak hearted (e.g. prisc) stop when i give the warning yea!? haha..

Times as such, i really do wish that there was someone to hold on to, give me assuring hugs, making porridge for me, tellin me its ok, and that i dont look that hedious. Eric would have. Would. that’s the word.. Speakin of which.. i msged him, askin if he needed a lift frm camp. argH. how dumb of me. well, it was quite a blessing that he didnt agree. or i’d b in a dilemna. should i just meet him risk letting him see my hedious look, just forget the whole thing!? at the point of msging, i didnt consider that tho.. it was 5am.. Useless me even called him. argh. didnt regret it nevertheless. Its been a long time since i’ve heard his voice. Really long… really really really long..

=enough of depressing stuff= i’ve got enough complains already.

DISCLAIMER: The pix are not entirely guresome, but it contains some blood. definately not for the weak hearted. Approx 4 pix only, so Stop scrolling if u dont intend to see pix.

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Image hosted by Photobucket.com Reddish thing’s GUM!! euGhhh.. i know..

Blood, Gum, tooth… *Feelin kinda wooZy*Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Image hosted by Photobucket.com Hmm like my fingers! see the “Curve” roots!?

Image hosted by Photobucket.com Blood, More bloodImage hosted by Photobucket.com

and finally… to reward those who’ve daaaaringly looked at these bloody shots, here’s something extra..

ME!
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Check out the swell!!! sighhh

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back frm dbl0

Just got back frm dbL0.. Unlike my previous trip there, this time i’m perfectly SOBER! staying sober is good.. in that way, i’ve got control over my actions. No control over my emotions however.. Loser william’s missing his ex, Loser Yang’s missing his ex, big time Loser val’s missing eric. damn it.. n it had to be dbL0.. the place where eric use to work, and i’d stay up, waiting for him to get back.. I’d b worried that some girl gets to know him etc etc.. No such need now.. is there??

It isnt suprising that i’ve got a big appetite, these days however, it isnt just big.. its HUGE!! the guys were stunned by the amount of food i eat!! FwoOaHhh!!! nevertheless, the day ended up with some really “gone” people.. hahA.. feels good knowing i’m the sober one!

William said my blog’s depressing.. He said my blog’s the type of blog that wld make ppl tear n depressed after reading.. HaHa… well, blogs are reflections of ppls feelings/views/thoughts.. since my life IS indeed depressing, isnt the blog just apt!?

As the days pass, i get frm bad to worst.. this cant go on! but there’s nothing i can do about it.. can i? What must i do to snap out of it!?Ivan’s right, i feel numb for awhile, then the BIG BLOW comes, knocking all rationality out, letting emotions reign. That’s exactly how i feel.. my pathetic life.. my depressingly pathetic way of life..

My 1 year Aniversary present!!

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Eric made it specially for me! too him lots of effort… I sorta guessed that it was a jig saw puzzle.. Yet i pretended that i didnt know.. well.. Why spoil the suprise rite!? hehe.. The picture has a significance… something really sweet actually. It has a lil dog n a kitten in it.. just like how the both of us always wanted a dog n a cat in future.. we’d make them grow up 2gether!.. then, there’s this boy, carrying the little girl on his back.. Eric said, thats him, carrying me on his back, just like how he’d always take care of me, and carrying me on his back, never letting me fall, always caring for me.

aint that sweet of him?? Where are u now darling.. Where are u… when i’m feeling so low. are u still there? If im feeling this way.. u muz b feeling much worst. shallnt fret! he want me 2 live a good life, Thats what his msgs always say…askin me to a good life.. even without him, thats what he meant. How to… How can he? How can i? BUT, for him, i’d try. I know He said that, because it was for my own good. How about himself?? unlike him, i dont wish that he live a good life!! i dont want him to.. call me selfish.. I want him to lead a life with me.. not just a good life but a good life with me. Even if it isnt realli a good one, at least it’s WITH me.. Because with him, even if life’s at is lowest… i’d have him by my side. we have each other to hold on to. We’d never be alone.

Now. i feel so freggin alone.. Do u feel the same!? any lonely ppl out there!?!?!?

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1month aniversary..

Always said that i’d never change for others, i’d only change for myself. How true indeed. I wont change unless i really do see the need to. Today however, i woke up with other revelations. Never once have i slept in tears, wake up in tears, felt teary in the day and would be going back to sleep in tears. That sounds pathetic doesnt it?

Someone had to say some words before i went to bed, making mention of some personality of mine.. To be precise, its pertaining to me being a girl, and not behaving like one. No offence taken from the person, but it got me thinking quite abit. Felt a lil hurt, bout the comments, and felt worst… when i realized that no one would accept me like how “HE” did. The tap in my eye ducts came on once more, and just had to type a msg. SMSs for him are always typed, just not sent. this time.. i sent it.. but to someone else.. i had to sent it.. the recepient empathized.. Constantly askin me WHY do we not want to get back together… Here’s why…

“RESPECT”. It was a break up that i never wanted. I begged him not to leave me. Something i wont ever do.. Yet. we still did. I respect his decision, i respect his choice. I wont bug him, or msg him or ask that that we get back together. He knows how i feel for him, i know how i feel for him now. Still, i wont do anything to initiate that we get back together. know he doesnt want to anyway.. For the fact that.. i respect his choice. Maybe… in the far future… just maybe.. who knows what may happen. No one’s like him. That i can say for sure. for now. dont even persuade me, or say things on my behalf. I’m blogging this, as i dont want half truth to be said to my “him”..

Whilst at work.. i got a lil hurt again after receiving some “news”.. For a fleeting moment, i felt a self-less. A feeling of unconditional sacrifice. I just wanted the other person to feel happy. What i feel, doesnt matter no more. What im currently doing aint right, what i’m feeling aint right either. What matter’s that other party feels good. WHY SEH!!!! thats so unlike me. Seldom the type that spare much thought for others. This time… i juz wish that others are doin better than me..

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Dont remind me how lonely i am.. William’s right. “Everyone’s a call away, no one’s a kilometer away..” to make things worst, while i’m feeling like SHIT.. I’ve got to let go of this person whom i’ve always shared my sadness with these days. Doesnt matter that our views arent always the same on matters. You’ve been there for me. By letting u go.. i’m slowly closing up an opening to my wound… with a scapel in there!

Feels so hard to lose someone unwillingly, yet at the same time paying for your “mistakes’.. i remember the days where he’d pop by my place, buy me breakfast.. or juz sent me home despite being so tired! even renting DVDs and watching it over at his place.. goin 4 a movie, having fun! our arguments etc.. Man.. having flashbacks now..

Now that it’s got me thinking, i dont recall a period of time where i cried so often. when we were together.. Our arguments were always for the better of our R/S.. and we never make the same mistake twice.. for that i’m proud! its been a month and a day.. HOLY SHIT!!! NOW I KNOW WHY!! WE BROKE UP ON THE 20TH AND TODAY’S THE 20TH again!!! GosHhh.. what side effects… Unknowing too.. i swear i didnt realize till now..

i’ve reached my treshhold. wonder when i’d just breakdown.. It takes so much control not to show.. since i cant speak to anyone or someone.. (p/s: i know there’re ppl there.. i juz dont feel like telling my sob story!! who’d b interested in MY sobstory!! :S).. hence.. i’d juz blog.. maybe.. one day.. when i look back… i’d realize that.. life wasnt that bad at all..

Un-happy 1 month aniversary to us darling..
freGgg stoP crying val!!!! NOW!!!!!
i know… i’ve reached my saturation…

I’ve got the car on sat!! he’s bookin out on sat.. always said that if i’ve got my driving license, i’d be able to get the car, and Fetch him frm camp!! then ppl wld b envious that his GF’s fetching him back while the rest only have cabs or worst still.. BUS! Now…i’m free on that day… i’ve got the car that day…. all i’m lacking.. is Him….

Do u feel how i feel? we always had this thing of feeling how each other felt… now take a deep breath, close ur eyes…. try feeling how i’m feeling…. i’m in pain now…… because i feel ur pain..

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